So i got to thinking tonight while i was at work.I've had a pretty rough life compared to your average 21 year old.Now i'm not trying to get sympathy or any of that bull shit,but honestly i have it's the facts no big deal.I've done some really shitty things in my past and i'm a firm believer in karma.I think thats why my whole life went to shit back in october truthfully.

Oh well i deserved it,things were going to fast with me and my ex.I pushed to hard and poof.Live and learn right,i'm over it now but it sucks knowing something that hurt you so much at the time was your fault.Things go further back then that though,Like my friend lances mom loves me,adores me and thinks of me as one of her sons.I love this woman and she has my outmost respect,but she always calls me a good man and i can't look her in the eye and believe it.

I mean lets have a little run down on my past shit,honestly it is embarrasing and i'm ashamed but maybe sharing it will help me get some closure.When i was 14 i fired my first gun,now granted it wasn't at anyone but i did carry it around at all times.I mean 14 carrying a gun wtf is that.I was selling drugs by 15 and not just nicks and dimes or pot either.I was pushing weight with my friend growing up,we're talking major weight of coke in two three days tops.Most major drug dealers couldn't do that in two weeks we did it twice a week.Then at 16 i watched my best friend be executed in front of me to set an example over fucking drug terrioritory.I held him in my arms while he bled to death begging me to be something better.

Things didn't get better,At least not until i met my ex,now granted things between me and her ended fucking horribly but she did help me grow and help me become a stronger person.I was just still to weak to keep a grip on her and our relationship,but oh well you live and you learn right.It just feels like now even though i finally got my life headed the right direction again,when i have a future,when i have something to be proud of,That i'm still just a shell.I come home to a barrage of bullshit and told how much of a loser i am and how i'll never succed.This is my own family telling me these things,i have no one else to turn to so what do you think that makes me feel like.I'm tired of coming home to be alone ,to nothing but my bed and a verbal barrage of bullshit for no reason what so ever.It was once said that he who walks alone will die alone,well damnit i don't want to walk alone,but the one person i want i can't have.Go figure though story of my freaking life,Anytime there is something pure and good that i want to add to my life,to give it some purpose,to feel like i could be a good man again....I can't have it.

Maybe i am destined to be alone,But i don't want to be,and truthfully i don't want to be.I do things now still that make me feel good at the time,but they don't fill the void in me,the piece i need to feel completed.I know i am only 21 but i am much older mentally and i'm sick of the whole being alone bullshit,i want some one to hold,someone who cares about me,someone who will let me care about them,But the person i want i can't have....Fucking sweet hellllllo irony,But tommorow i will put a smile on my face and go into work and pretend to be this happy go lucky good guy.When in truth i'm still that little street punk at heart just trying to be happy when i am starting to think i never will be.....